Today, I took a nose dive. I had Mark's/my motorcycle moved from where it was to a safer place. I thought it would be nice to see the bike again, but instead of feeling happy, my heart felt like it was broken all over again. All the feelings that I have been suppressing these last 10-months came flooding in.......as I watch the bike drive away in the trailer behind the truck, I started crying and couldn't stop. It was like watching Mark going away again......it hurt so so bad. 


I am not sure what I will do with the bike. It would be ashamed to have it just sit & not be enjoyed by someone. Especially in the ways Mark and I enjoyed the bike. On the other hand, keeping it almost makes me feel that Mark is alive in some way.........I still have most of his clothes, all of his special treasures, but of all the memories I have.......this bike is the one thing that makes me feel Mark's presence the most. 


My heart is still on the mend. I get up every day with a broken heart. I have worked through many broken bones (legs,arms,pelvis, etc), but some days it seem almost impossible if not harder to work with a broken heart. I put on my happy face, but deep down inside I have this pain, that nothing and no one, but me can do anything about.........It's been 10-months, but for me it still feels like yesterday when I lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE. 


My eyes ache to see Mark one more time. My ears yearn to hear his voice, his laugh and to hear him say, "I LOVE YOU KIDD"......just ONE more time......I would do anything to feel the touch of his strong hands. I felt so safe with him. He was always watching out for me and protecting me. Now it's just me......Me against the world.  


I spend a lot of time in the yard, because that is another thing that makes me feel close to Mark. I remember seeing him every morning out in the yard, raking, watering, and feeding the birds. Now I'm the one there making sure the yard stays nice and the the birds stay happy. I find myself talking to Mark out loud......


I miss you Honeybear..........OH SO VERY, VERY VERY........... much!  I can't wait until the day we can be together again!


We are only a heart beat away!

                                                  

Happy Birthday Honeybear

                                                                                
Today is Mark's Birthday........I have decided not to be sad, but happy. The reason is because I know that's what Mark would want.......for me to be happy. The main reason I am happy is because this is the date April 9th.....56 years ago that the good Lord finished knitting him in his mother's womb & He introduced Mark Roy Hamlin to the world.

Mark, I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I got to know, and love you ...... I still do, very much & ALWAYS will. You may be gone from my sight, but you are NOT forgotten! I think of you EVERY day and write you love letters in my mind.                                                                            

Today I made you cupcakes, something you would always do......I also got together with friends at our favorite restaurant to have dinner. The restaurant that we would go to every year for our birthdays and in-between. You enjoyed their hamburgers, & would say they "had the best burgers in town."=) Me I always enjoyed their chicken enchiladas.

Remember the time we decided to try something different? You the tacos and I the tamales. We were so disappointed and from that point on we stuck with our usual. 
                                                                       

                                                                       

Honeybear,
While you were alive,  I wrote you love letters in my heart, but for some reason, when I was with you, I wasn't able to find the words to tell you what was in my heart. Every day I discovered something about you, but when we were together, I would get so caught up in the moment that I would forget everything I wanted to tell you..........I hope that you knew that even though at times words failed me...... in my heart I wrote you love letters every day! and still do today!

We'd been through a lot together. You've saw me at my best, my worst, and the first thing in the morning (yikes, pretty scary, huh?) We laughed and kissed and argued and loved and held hands. When I look back on this little story of "us," I realize I was happier than I'd ever been. And it was all because of you.......
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITH LOVE,
Kidd =)

Mercyme - The Hurt & The Healer

The Healer and Me

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

I'm everything I am Because you loved me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe, I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you

You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

One of my Favorites......

One of many wonderful treasures I have from Mark. He always left me notes and drawings. I saved a majority of them. Thinking one day when we grew old, I'd bring them out and we would go through them. I thought they would bring back memories and make us smile. Now I'm alone with these memories and would like to share them with you. I will post one or two every now and then =)  I hope you will enjoy then almost as much as I do!............... Enjoy =)

Eight months have passed and I'm still not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be

You mustYou must think I'm strongTo give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive meForgive me if I'm wrongBut this looks like more than I can doOn my own
Well, maybeMaybe that's the pointTo reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finallyFinally at rock bottomWell, that's when I start looking upAnd reaching out
Lord right now I'm asking you to beStrong enoughFor the both of us
Cause I'm brokenDown to nothingBut I'm still holding on to the one thingYou are Godand you are strongWhen I am weakI can do all thingsThrough Christ who gives me strength
I know that  I'm not strong enough to beEverything that I'm supposed to beI give up
Hands of mercy won't you cover meLord right now I'm asking you to beStrong enoughFor the both of us.Amen

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