Today, I took a nose dive. I had Mark's/my motorcycle moved from where it was to a safer place. I thought it would be nice to see the bike again, but instead of feeling happy, my heart felt like it was broken all over again. All the feelings that I have been suppressing these last 10-months came flooding in.......as I watch the bike drive away in the trailer behind the truck, I started crying and couldn't stop. It was like watching Mark going away again......it hurt so so bad.
I am not sure what I will do with the bike. It would be ashamed to have it just sit & not be enjoyed by someone. Especially in the ways Mark and I enjoyed the bike. On the other hand, keeping it almost makes me feel that Mark is alive in some way.........I still have most of his clothes, all of his special treasures, but of all the memories I have.......this bike is the one thing that makes me feel Mark's presence the most.
My heart is still on the mend. I get up every day with a broken heart. I have worked through many broken bones (legs,arms,pelvis, etc), but some days it seem almost impossible if not harder to work with a broken heart. I put on my happy face, but deep down inside I have this pain, that nothing and no one, but me can do anything about.........It's been 10-months, but for me it still feels like yesterday when I lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE.
My eyes ache to see Mark one more time. My ears yearn to hear his voice, his laugh and to hear him say, "I LOVE YOU KIDD"......just ONE more time......I would do anything to feel the touch of his strong hands. I felt so safe with him. He was always watching out for me and protecting me. Now it's just me......Me against the world.
I spend a lot of time in the yard, because that is another thing that makes me feel close to Mark. I remember seeing him every morning out in the yard, raking, watering, and feeding the birds. Now I'm the one there making sure the yard stays nice and the the birds stay happy. I find myself talking to Mark out loud......
I miss you Honeybear..........OH SO VERY, VERY VERY........... much! I can't wait until the day we can be together again!
We are only a heart beat away!
Today is Mark's Birthday........I have decided not to be sad, but happy. The reason is because I know that's what Mark would want.......for me to be happy. The main reason I am happy is because this is the date April 9th.....56 years ago that the good Lord finished knitting him in his mother's womb & He introduced Mark Roy Hamlin to the world.
Mark, I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I got to know, and love you ...... I still do, very much & ALWAYS will. You may be gone from my sight, but you are NOT forgotten! I think of you EVERY day and write you love letters in my mind.
Today I made you cupcakes, something you would always do......I also got together with friends at our favorite restaurant to have dinner. The restaurant that we would go to every year for our birthdays and in-between. You enjoyed their hamburgers, & would say they "had the best burgers in town."=) Me I always enjoyed their chicken enchiladas.
Remember the time we decided to try something different? You the tacos and I the tamales. We were so disappointed and from that point on we stuck with our usual.
Honeybear,
While you were alive, I wrote you love letters in my heart, but for some reason, when I was with you, I wasn't able to find the words to tell you what was in my heart. Every day I discovered something about you, but when we were together, I would get so caught up in the moment that I would forget everything I wanted to tell you..........I hope that you knew that even though at times words failed me...... in my heart I wrote you love letters every day! and still do today!
We'd been through a lot together. You've saw me at my best, my worst, and the first thing in the morning (yikes, pretty scary, huh?) We laughed and kissed and argued and loved and held hands. When I look back on this little story of "us," I realize I was happier than I'd ever been. And it was all because of you.......
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITH LOVE,
Kidd =)
